A day in my life..

Shattered, fallin' to pieces.

2011-10-05T21:30:00.003-06:00

Dear Grampa. . .

My dear, sweet Grampa Judd. I don't think any word, any tear, any form of expression could even cover what is in my heart right now. It's like my melody got cut off, mid-beat. It's like the house I was building got set on fire before I could even finish the foundation. It's as though my plane landed before it ever got off the ground.

I guess what I'm trying to say is. . . Here's my goodbye, just a little too late. I know it's been a little over a year, and still I'm not ready to let go.

Why did you have to go? Why couldn't you just stay? To me, you were invincible. To me, nothing could ever take you away. You were my hero. To me, it was like nothing could ever hurt you. Why did I have to leave and miss my chance? My heart is shattered, with every piece stamped with a question mark. It's like it's happening all over again.

I've decided that I'm going to get a tattoo. Something that means a lot to me, because it'll never leave me. I never wanted you to leave me, and I regret every moment I never had to spend with you... So, I'm getting a tattoo in memory of you. The picture at the top of this, that's going to be my tattoo. You know, ever since you left, every time I think of you I can't help but let out an internal scream. My insides feel crushed.

I'm gonna make you proud one day, I swear. One day you'll look down on me and say "That's my baby, she didn't let me down. She made me proud."

... I miss you so much. <3

It's over.

2011-03-19T21:18:00.002-06:00

If there's a such thing as breaking your own heart, I think I've done it over and over and over again. Why do I try when I already know I'm not good enough?

I'm here to say I'm done with dating. I used to hate girls that just have friends or friends with benefits - never wanted more with a guy. Never wanted a relationship, marriage, kids. . . and at one point, I thought I wanted all that too. . . boy was I ever wrong. So wrong.

I finally realize that dating can only hurt you. . . what good comes out of it? What good comes out of marriage? What, you want to spend your life fighting with someone? I mean, kudos to those of you that can make it work, like my brother. . . but I don't think I'll ever work a relationship out.
What's the point anyway?

And why does life even exist.
For christs sake. . . I don't see the point. I DONT SEE IT.

... I don't want to see it anymore.

Pretty, pretty please don't ever feel like. . .

2011-02-03T13:46:00.002-07:00

Deep is the river that I have to cross
Heavy the weight on my shoulder
I have discovered how great is the cost
Of trying alone to cross over
I try and I try but the current’s too strong
It’s pulling me under and my strength is gone
Don’t leave me stranded

Rescue me, my God and my King,
Water is rising and I cannot breathe,
Wrap your arms all around me and
Carry me over (rescue me) Carry me over

There is a bridge that is easy to cross
While all of our burdens are lifted
Peace is the land that is waiting for us
Lord, give me faith to believe it
Cause I’m in a storm but I’m willing to fight
I’ll overcome and I will not die with You by my side

Rescue me, my God and my King,
Water’s are rising and I cannot breathe,
Wrap your arms all around me and
Carry me over (rescue me) Carry me over

I will sail over the oceans and
High over the mountains and
Soar up to the Heavens
Here is my hand is my heart and my soul and my mind

Rescue me, my God and my King,
The water’s are rising and I cannot breathe,
Wrap your arms all around me and
Carry me over
Rescue me, my God and my King,
You are the only one who can save me
Wrap your arms all around me and
Carry me over

Dr.Pepper diagnosed me. . .

2011-01-19T11:00:00.003-07:00

Remember when we were young. . . and we just couldn't wait to grow up? Well, what the hell were we thinking? You know, today is my first real day off in a while - a day that I actually have nothing to do outside the house (so far), so I can stay home. It just got me thinking. I remember when the only thing I had to do was play outside with my friends. I mean sure - most of us had chores and homework, but it's nothing compared to now.

Yep, turning 18 brought a whole other angle to life that I wasn't expecting. I mean, yes, there are perks. I got my blackberry. Or as I like to call it, my strawberry. Cause it's pink. Haha. and I got a credit card. and I can do pretty much anything I want. I mean, I have like a whole other life now. . . but you know what else that came with? Bills, taxes, work. I'm always exhausted because I'm working nearly 60 hours a week between my two jobs. I have to pay rent and my phone bill, and as soon as my credit card comes, I'm adding that to my list of bills. Nope, it's not fun. And what the hell are these tax things I gotta do? RAWR.

Yup. . . it's scary being an adult. But, I'm ready and willing. . . embracing it!

Bring. It. On.
:)

day 14

2011-01-09T19:42:00.002-07:00

Day 14- A picture of you and your family

Missing a few kids and a couple sister in laws, but this works. HAHA. :)

day 13

2011-01-09T19:34:00.002-07:00

Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently

Dear ______,

I hope you know how much this hurts me. Why do you think it's okay to just keep playing with my head? After taking time to think about it, taking time away from you to get over you, and finding out that there are other fish in the sea. . . I only realize how much you never loved me. Why, in your head, is it okay to keep playing with me as if I have no feelings/my heart doesn't exist?

I have to tell you this... I think that I've finally fallen out of love with you after so long.

Not to be harsh, but, honestly. . . I can't let you run my life anymore.
I'm moving on.

Love,
me.

Day 12

2011-01-06T15:24:00.001-07:00

Day 12- How you found out about Blogger and why you made one

I don't even remember. . . I made one so people could keep up with me (even though I have facebook) and so that I could rant or just write when I need to - that's the artistic personality in me. lol.
But I have no idea how I found out about it. haha!

lol why do I even bother trying to do this every day? it never happens. =P

2011-01-06T15:16:00.002-07:00

Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends
Here's some more friends :)

Day 10!

2011-01-04T21:23:00.001-07:00

Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad

Happy - anything upbeat
Sad - anything soft/mellow
Hyped - Dance or R&B. . . Actually I listen to a lot of stuff that would be played on like the bounce or something.
Mad - Three Days Grace, yo.

Day 9, a day late

2011-01-04T21:13:00.003-07:00

Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days

My baby niece. <3<3<3<3<3<3
or I guess that I got a "well done" from someone who means a lot to me and that I have only heard that from once. :)

And since I missed Saturday. . .

2011-01-02T20:24:00.002-07:00

Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why

I want to find a job, lose 15 pounds, and make some friends to go out with.
Because I need a job, because I want to lose 15 pounds, and because I have no life and I hate being stuck inside all the damn time.

Day 7. . .

2011-01-02T16:08:00.001-07:00

Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you

My big brother. He's been the biggest and bestest influence on me since I was born, and now both him and his wife are super influential to me. I love them both sooo much.

Day 6!

2010-12-31T10:42:00.002-07:00

Day 06- Favorite super hero and why
Batman - cause he's awesome! :)

Day 5 :)

2010-12-30T17:39:00.002-07:00

Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to.

Day 4

2010-12-30T10:53:00.003-07:00

Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have

Clenching my jaw and grinding my teeth when I sleep - it bugs the crap out of me. And its painful. and bad for my teeth.

Day 3!

2010-12-29T11:40:00.004-07:00

Day 03- A picture of you and your friends

Well, I have wayyyy too many friends and no pictures of ALL of us, so here's just a bunch of pictures of me with different friends. :)

Daaaay 2!

2010-12-28T14:38:00.003-07:00

Day 02- The meaning behind your Blog name

I couldn't think of anything, and honestly - when I read a blog, it's like stepping out of my own shoes, and into the life of another. :)

30 days of me! :)

2010-12-28T14:02:00.004-07:00

I found this nifty little 30 days about me thing for blogging. . . so here goes nothing! :)

Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself

1. I'm very artistic - I'm a musician and an artist, I love photography, and I can write (I would too, if I didn't get so bored with it.)
2. I LOVE Beethoven. LOVE. Beethoven. and Chopin.
3. I hate cats, but love dogs.
4. I love fast cars.
5. When I was little, I hated dolls and barbies - loved hot wheels and legos.
6. My favorite colors are pink and black, but I love yellow too.
7. I love hanging out with friends but my favorite thing to do when I'm by myself is snuggle up with a blanket, coffee, and a good movie.
8. My nephew is like. . . my whole world.
9. I have no problem being vocal. I WILL say out loud that I have to pee. or that my butt hurts. or whatever.
10. I love music.
11. It's a pet peeve when people say an-jell when singing instead of angel. Drives me nuts.
12. I really don't like Canada, I prefer living in the states. I just miss everyone too much.
13. I LOVE Starbucks. And Tim Hortons. But especially Starbucks.
14. I loooooove chick flicks. They're my favorite.
15. I love dresses, makeup and pink, but I'm soooo not a girly girl.

Pumpkin Spice and everything nice...

2010-11-14T12:09:00.003-07:00

Well, after a thousand tearful goodbyes. . . the semester is over, and I have left Northland for the beginning of a new chapter of my life. What's the next step? I have no idea. And in some ways the uncertainty scares the crap out of me. I have no idea what I'm doing. I mean, yes I'm home; yes, I need to work. But, aside from that, what am I doing with my life?

Today is my 18th birthday. I've waited my whole life for this day. My whole life, it's been my biggest goal; and now that I'm here it scares the crap out of me. Turning 18 opens up a whole new world (not intentionally a reference to Aladdin)of adulthood that is exciting but super scary. I don't want to grow up yet! That means bills and work and. . . and the beginning of life. Holy jeez. . . bring it on.

You don't even know.

2010-10-24T14:19:00.003-06:00

I still remember the look on your face
Lit through the darkness at 1:58
The words that you whispered
For just us to know
You told me you loved me
So why did you go Away?

And I'll go sit on the floor
Wearing your clothes
All that I know is
I don't know how to be something you miss

Never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips

I do remember
The swing in your step
The life of the party, you're showing off again
And I roll my eyes and then
You pull me in
I'm not much for dancing
But for you I did

Because I love your handshake
Meetin' my father
I love how you walk with your hands in your pockets
How you kissed me when I was in the middle of saying something
There's not a day when I don't miss those rude interruptions

So I watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep
And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe
And I keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are
Hope it's nice where you are

And I hope the sun shines
And it's a beautiful day
And something reminds you
You wish you had stayed
You can plan for a change in the weather and time
But I never planned on you changing your mind...

Real as a prayer on a lonely night...

2010-10-13T19:21:00.002-06:00

Behold, I have made you a nest in the hollow of My hand,
and you shall lie down and sleep.
Though the elements rage,
though the winds blow and the floods come,
you shall rest in peace.

For you are precious in My sight, O My child.
I know you by name, for you are not the child of a stranger,
but the fruit of My own loins. Yes, I have begotten you,
I have called you by your name, and you are Mine.

Be not dismayed, for as I suffered,
so shall you suffer in the world.
I have not taken you out of the world,
but I am with you to help you and to encourage you, and to
give you strength in all you may be called upon to endure.
You face each new day with Me at your side.
(Never forget that I am there.)
You met every difficult circumstance
with My arm outstretched to fight for you.

Do not lift your hand to attempt to accomplish any slightest
task in your own strength. This I have forbidden.
God helps not those who help themselves,
but He is the champion of those who cannot help themselves.
and of those who are wise enough not to try.
It is not your cooperation for which I have asked,
but your submission.
Not that you go alone until you fall,
but that you draw upon My strength for every step --
both the smooth and the rough.

If you form the habit of trusting Me in the easy way,
you will find it the natural thing to lean upon Me
in the difficult situation.
And if I bring you through the river in the summer,
you shall not fear to trust Me in the flood time.

So clasp your hand in Mine, and do not loosen your hold.
For you cannot tell what great thing I may do for you
through some small happening.
Your every hair is numbered,
And the most incidental occurences of the most ordinary day
I delight to choose and use to reveal
My earnestness in helping you.

Clasp Me to your heart,
for I love you with an everlasting love.
and with strong cords I have bound you.
Look not back, but look ahead,
for I have glory prepared for you.
Yes, when you look on My face
you will surely say that these present sufferings
are in no way comparable
to the glory I have in store for you.
~ Written by Frances J. Roberts in Come Away My Beloved

His gentle voice so full of love...

2010-09-26T11:55:00.003-06:00

Still, my soul be still...

Week number 6. What started out as a calm semester has rapidly turned into the business and craziness from which we derive the word "life". So much has happened that has just had my stomach tied up in knots (pardon the pun for those of you who know) and my heart in pieces. It seems like just one thing after another.
However... God's been showing me a whole lot.

What a gracious God, to give me a second chance. How could this all be about me? All summer I turned my back. I gave up on the only one who could ever satisfy me, and it hurt a lot of people. It hurt me. Most importantly it hurt God. I knew He looked down on me from above and all He was saying is "My child, come back to me." While He went to the cross specifically for my sin, I ignored His gentle voice saying come back to me. My child, come home.

Well... I'm finally home. I haven't arrived at any big destinations, no. But here's the thing. I know that for now I'm in God's will.
No more of my skewed view. Now that I look back on everything I said and did this summer, I'm disgusted. Sure there are those things that were good about it. I got insanely close to my siblings and to Xander (My word I miss you, child). But, I could have done that without all the drama. I knew I was miserable. I knew that I was out of God's will and that life without Him just isn't worth it. And yet, I chose to go against it.

In some ways, yes, I regret it. I know it was wrong. Looking back on my sin I'm not proud of it at all. But in some ways... I'm thankful that God worked it for good.
Now, I'm just going to immerse myself in God. I'm going to be thankful for this second chance and not waste it. God is good. I'm not fighting it. He's mine. His grace is all sufficient, and His love is overwhelming, and it's mine! I'm His child and His princess. This new faith I'm experiencing as I draw closer to Him is like nothing I've ever experienced before.
At this point it's a matter of "forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, looking only unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith."
God is so good to me. Still, my soul... Be still.

freedom.

2010-08-04T17:46:00.005-06:00

free·dom
1 : the quality or state of being free: as a : the absence of necessity, coercion, or constraint in choice or action b : liberation from slavery or restraint or from the power of another : independence.

Freedom. That seems to be my word of the month. But... is freedom... really free? Because once you are liberated from the slavery or restraint or power of another... you have gained your independence... does that really liberate you from the baggage you care and the responsibility of life? Just because you're free from rules and regulations and all those little standards... doesn't mean you're really *free*.
And yet... I feel liberated/free/independent. I feel good.
I love my life here. Aside from the baggage...hurt feelings... all the bullshit... life is good.

So, why do I want to leave it for 3 whole months? The danger of my favoritest little guy forgetting me...the heartache of being away from those I love for that long. Well, I guess it's all part of finding me, yes?
I don't know.
I'm so confused.

Who knows, maybe everything will change tomorrow. Life has a way of being unpredictable.

Oh well... Freedom. That's what it's about. I feel like a butterfly... escaping from the cocoon... coming out a new person. That's me...I'm free.

Waitaminute, let me finish. . .

2010-07-13T16:42:00.003-06:00

Okay, that's it. No more pretending, no more lies. I am who I am and if you don't like it. . . Either deal with it or get out.

I guess a lot has happened since the last time I wrote a blog post. It's been a while. There's been a few changes. . . I guess the biggest one is that I stopped caring. I don't give a crap what you think anymore, unless you're one of my closest friends. But if you're one of my closest friends you're not going to be a douche bag to me, right? I'm making a few changes. I guess it's like sifting flour. You know how when you sift flour, there's always that little bit of crap in the bottom of the sifter that doesn't make it through, and you throw it away? That's what I'm doing. I'm sifting out my life. Getting rid of all the crap that's left in the bottom. . . Cause I'm done with it all. I don't want to have to deal with the same junk every single day.

I'm just so sick of all the every day crap and all the pretending and hypocracy.

Here's to turning over a new leaf. :)

They say love is the answer...

2010-07-04T21:48:00.004-06:00

Wow, I haven't written a blog post in a while. I guess I've just been faced with so much, so many conflicting feelings and emotions, that writing a lot hasn't been exactly easy. I'm even finding it hard to write e-mails to close friends anymore, for fear that I'll sound too emotional. Guess it's part of life.

July...
Wow, summer is definitely half over. I'm exhausted - both emotionally and physically. I can't help but sit here and finally let it all out. It's about time I let it all out... So I'm just letting these tears flow. My tears fall for the past - memories both good and bad. For the present - decisions I know have to be made and no clue how to make them. And for the future - The effects that those decisions are going to have. I just don't know what to do.

... I miss grampa a lot. He'd be able to tell me what to do. He'd know exactly what I should do.

Sigh...

&Hearts... toodaloo.

Rainy days.

2010-05-28T14:08:00.004-06:00

Rain, rain, go away. . .

Survive.

2010-05-25T10:19:00.002-06:00

This is what it means to be held. How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life, and you survive. This is what it is to be loved. and to know that the promise was when everything fell. . .we'd be held.

Promises. Sometimes empty words that mean nothing. Sometimes a set-up for betrayal. Or sometimes. . . a promise is the only thing we have left to hold on to.

I've started wandering far. . . headed closer and closer to that deep end. I have struggled a LOT recently. More so with depression and holding on to things that I need to let go of. Or maybe more so with the fact that since I've gotten home, my devotions haven't been what they needed to be. Jeez, what is wrong with me. Is God only real, and only good while I'm at Northland? Of course, while I was there, He was only good some of the time. Why am I such an emotional rollercoaster? I get my emotions involved and poof, everything flies out the window. Do I have some crazy notion that God stops caring when I cross the Canadian border? Or even when I cross that sign at the end of the driveway that says "Northland International University"? Does He just stop watching?

What is WRONG with me?!
What happened to everything I do being pleasing in His sight? What happened to whatever I do being done to the glory of God? God is STILL watching. He's still expecting of me here what he expects of me at school. I'm still supposed to think on what's true, honest, just, pure, lovely, and virtuous. That includes actions, you know. I have no right to wander as I have been. To fall so far away from the one that holds me in His hands. The one who gives me Grace day by day.

It's really sad that I don't pay attention to all the blessings, you know? The blessing of my brand new baby niece that was born last night. . .oh you have no idea what a blessing that was. Elianna should not have lived,but by God's grace she did and she's a healthy baby now. Josh and Kayla prayed for a baby for so long. And for a baby girl, no less. The name Elianna means "Our prayers have been answered". Wow. . . I only wish Grampa was here to witness the birth of his first great granddaughter. A miracle in herself, that child. <3

God IS good. . . I just wish that I believed it all the time, instead of being so depressed about everything. :( Oh well. . . I'll survive.

Wilted.

2010-05-21T22:27:00.000-06:00

Wilted. Gone. Depressed. It's all the same.

Yup, I'm gone. I jumped. That deep end? Yeah it just kept looking more and more desirable. I've slipped into that rare depression. . .the kind that only hits when you feel like your life just ended? Yeah that.

And now I have zero desire to pick myself up off the ground.

My world has kind of fallen apart, you know? I went to see the grave today. It felt like my insides had been ripped out. Staring at it,I was empty. In shock. And when it finally hit what that name I'd been staring at really meant, I lost it. It meant death. It meant that he was gone. They're both gone. And that's when I hit the ground. Just dropped. My brother held me for a few minutes, and that helped. But the minute he let go, I just dropped to the ground with hollow sobs. Shaking, shivering. . .not only because of the cold, but because of the realization of what I was staring at. He's never. NEVER. coming back.
I'll never see him again.

. . .
I've wilted.

home. . . sweet. . . home.

2010-05-17T19:30:00.002-06:00

Well, I'm home. I can breathe now. My first time flying was a breeze (no pun intended) other than the big fat guy that sat on me. Yeesh.

Ah, bittersweet.
Being home is a challenge. I just got home yesterday late afternoon, and already I'm so overwhelmed. I'm not sure if it was coming out of customs to find my mom on crutches. Or if it was walking in my house to find that everywhere I turn there's something from my Grampa's house. Or if it was sleeping in a bed that still smells like my grampa. Or if maybe it's the fact that it's 10:30 am and I've already cleaned my room and done 6 loads of laundry and 4 loads of dishes. I'm just stopping for breakfast, there's much more to be done.
Is it the overwhelming pain of being here and knowing that I can't go visit grampa because he's not here? Is it the knowledge that I have a LOT of responsibility on my shoulders? Or is it just that I don't know how I'm going to juggle everything this summer?

I've finally come to a conclusion. I've hit rock bottom. This is a new low. I am depressed.

Sure, there are the sweet things. Being with family. Knowing that I have a chance to be a servant. Getting to see my sweet baby boy and to be around when my niece is born. Being around to help finish planning and play for my brother's wedding. There ARE the good things.
It's just that these good things don't minimize how hard the rest of everything is.

It'll be a good summer, I'm sure of it. I just don't know how I'm going to get through it. I'm hoping to find someway to be involved in a ministry, and perhaps find a way to go on a mission's trip.

Here goes nothing. . .
Summer 2010.

Yup.

2010-04-30T21:09:00.005-06:00

I'm going back to the dreaming fields. . .

2010-04-26T17:17:00.002-06:00

An entire week goes by. . . between the emotional pain of losing someone I love so much and the physical wearing down of a 6 page paper, a speech, an outline, an audition, and a good 300 pages of reading; I gotta say this week was a toughie.
Seeing all those pictures that my amazing cousin posted today, brought back so many memories. Good memories. . . memories of a couple deeply in love after 50 years. Memories of smiling eyes and great big bear hugs. Memories of funny jokes and cheesy puns. Memories of an amazing man who could brighten a day no matter what. An amazing man who when he said he was going to do something, did it. He could do anything.

Oh. . . my tears won't stop falling. They can't. They fall in joy for the great memories. They fall in sorrow for the fact that there won't and can't be any more. I can't even comprehend the fact that you're gone. Like, my mind. . . I can't even understand that when I get home, you won't be there. It kills me.

I know it was God's plan to take you. . . But I HATE that you're not here. I hate it. I can't take it. Every time I think I'm okay, something triggers a memory of you and I remember that I just can't take this. I can't handle it.
I can't. . .

It's like a part of my life is just gone, completely empty.
Ugh. You were perfectly okay when I left.
Why did I have to go? Why did YOU have to go?
Oh Grampa. . . I miss you. So much. I love you.

Sometimes. . . goodbye's the only way.

2010-04-17T08:49:00.003-06:00

Well. He's gone. That's it, all there is to it. The greatest man to ever live, the one I looked up to more than anyone. . .
. . . He's gone.

I know I'm probably being a baby about the whole thing, I shouldn't cry and I shouldn't be so depressed about it, but I feel like a part of me is gone. When I got the news at 8:30 this morning, I felt like my world had fallen apart. "Your grampa passed away last night, I'm sorry sweetheart." Those words. . . over and over and over again in my mind. No. He can't be gone. NO. All I can think of is that life's not fair. It's not fair that he died. It's not fair that I never got to say goodbye. . .

It's just not fair. I can't help think about how I'm not going to be there to say goodbye when he goes into the ground. Of course, maybe that's a good thing because we all know how well I'd take that. I'm angry and depressed and upset and incomplete and sorrowful all at once. So much for not having to say goodbye until I got home. <3

This breaks. my. heart.

Goodbye Grampa. . . I love you so much. Rest in paradise. <3

Don't go.

2010-04-11T16:41:00.001-06:00

Please.
Let me take his place somehow.
Give him my health before it's too late.

Just please don't take him. . . give him a chance.

Please.
I'm on my knees.
I'm begging please.
Lord, Please.

My God, help me be faithful.

2010-04-04T15:19:00.006-06:00

So, this has pretty much been the worst couple of days ever. I think someone out there has it out for me, because seriously - bad days like this don't just happen. It seems like everything that could possibly go wrong, has gone wrong. Maybe it's partially just because I'm exhausted. I'm so burnt out and just downright tired.

I've lost all my strength.

I can't keep going. I can't do this. There is no possibly way that I can just "Hang in there" any longer. It's not going to happen.

There is nothing holding me together anymore.

It was then that I carried you. . .

2010-03-06T07:19:00.003-07:00

As I look back on this semester so far and think about everything that's happened, I realize exactly how much that I try to plan our my life and exactly how much it doesn't work. The poem "Footprints" comes back to mind as I recall everything that's happened. I remember that the lowest points in my life. . . that's when there's only one set of footprints. This verse is the one that seems to be replaying itself over and over and over again.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. (Isaiah 55:8)

It really doesn't work when we try to plan our lives out. At the end of last semester, I had this grand idea that I knew exactly how this semester was going to play out. I knew exactly how it was going to go, what I was going to do, how it was going to be. It looked pretty darn great! Definitely didn't happen the way I had planned. I had the idea coming in that I was going to be the best at what I was going to do. At piano. At a job, which I had learned of over the break. My schedule was going to be awesome, and I was still going to have the same voice teacher I started out with. I was going to be a straight A student and still have time to sleep, time to hang out with friends. I thought I was going to be perfect. Didn't happen that way. Upon my arrival, things were great for about the first week. . . and they all went down hill after that.

Straight A's do not come easy for me. Nor do they come at all, really. Straight A's just do not happen for me. . . so the fact that I thought I was going to be a Straight A student and still have time to hang out and get sleep was just kind of dumb. Life doesn't work like that. At least not for me, as one of these people who just really isn't smart. haha. . . yep, that occurred to me this semester. Woo!

Being the best at piano is something I've always done. I've always been the one that could sight-read something the first time I saw it. I've always been the one that could hear something twice and figure it out within 5 minutes and play it. I've always been the best. So when I got here and realized that no matter how hard I try, I'll never be the best. . . I about dropped my major. That decision entered my mind again when I dislocated my shoulder, had someone who wasn't trained pop it back in, and possibly tore my rotator cuff. Yikes! Yay for hospital bills.

The week after my first voice lesson I was informed that the voice teacher I had started out with was no longer going to be my voice teacher. I'll be honest, I struggled with that. That was one thing that I was scared of happening and when it did I about dropped my minor, too. Plus I had things going on with my voice that downright freaked me out. It's scary when you get to your third voice lesson, tell your teacher how your voice has been feeling for the last month or 2 and have them say "uh oh." It gave me quite a fright. (I eventually found out that there's probably nothing *seriously* wrong. . . the only way to tell would be to get scoped, but I don't think there's anything incredibly wrong.)

As for sleep. . . I think the reason I'm always so sick at school is that I never get any sleep. I think the longest night this week was 10.5 hours, but that was a Migraine and right after a night with an hour and a half of sleep. Thursday night was a great one for that though, as I only had 45 minutes of sleep. Man. . . I'm getting tired just thinking about it.

I guess all that to say. . . life doesn't go the way we plan. I've pretty much had my heart ripped out a few times this semester. Sometimes it was a good thing, something that needed to happen. And sometimes it just pretty much killed me. But there's one lesson. . . The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord.
Praise God for the trials He puts in our lives, because while I feel like crap right now. . . I know it'll be okay. When my life was at it's lowest point. . . it was then that He carried me.

A weary heart. . .

2010-03-05T22:24:00.003-07:00

Sleep, young one. Take sweet rest. You've had a long, tiring day. . . but the end is near. This is but a bump in the long, winding road of life. Focus your weary little body, and stay faithful to those choices which you have made, for in due time you shall see the reward for doing that which you know you are to do. Stay strong, my child. Do not strive for unexpurgated control in those areas of which you have no control over. Do not strive to control other things in order to ease your mind. Be faithful and trust. Your heart will mend.

Strength for every hurdle?

2010-03-01T13:45:00.002-07:00

Well. Life has a way of switching tracks very quickly.
It's like the world keeps spinning faster and faster. . . Like I'm headed for this disaster that will just destroy me. In a way, I know it'll end that suffering, that affliction that's constantly wearing me down. God promises me that He will work it out. . . well is it that I'm supposed to drop my major/minor? Is that what I'm supposed to do? Is that what will fix it?

I just don't know what to do anymore. Honestly, I just really want to go home. Home where things are hard but it's easy to fix or easy to run. Here, I can't do either. It's like. . . It's like my life is all of a sudden being run by people who don't even know me. I'm not so sure I'm okay with this anymore.

I'm not so sure I'm okay with everything that has hit me.

Ugh.
Save me from my own reality.

How many times will You pick me up?

2010-02-13T15:11:00.005-07:00

Wow, it's been a while since I posted on here. I guess with everything's that been thrown at me I just haven't felt like posting. Lately I really feel like my world has fallen apart. I think the best way to describe the feelings inside me right now are these words I heard in a song just the other day:

My heart is restless in me
My wings are all worn out
I'm walking in the wilderness
And I cannot get out

And my bed is soaked with sadness
My sadness has no end
A downward spiral of despair
That I keep falling in

It's like I can't just have one thing thrown at me at a time. . . everything has to come at once and hit me like a wall. The hurt, it's just so deep. I kind of feel like Job, you know? Except that I know that the things I don't have. . . Those are the things I don't need. They're things that I want and/or think I need, but in reality I don't need them. If I did, I'd either have them or I'd be dead. I think this is really just God's way of growing me. I ask Him to show me what I need to do to draw closer to Him. I ask Him to give me a thirst and a desire to know Him more and more. . . and He is giving what I asked for. I just didn't expect it to feel/look like this. But Anna gave me this verse and pretty much captured it perfectly.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
Neither are your ways my ways,
declares the Lord. (Isaiah 55:8)

I guess it's not my job to tell God how I need to grow. . . But let me tell ya, this is hard. Don't ask God to grow you if you're not ready for what He's going to throw at you.

Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God. (Psalm 43:5)

I guess you're probably wondering what exactly is going on in my life right now that has me like this. There's more than I can say, but what I can say is that I've never had so many little (and big!) things thrown at me all at once. I mean, maybe I have, but not quite like this. Y'all know that I'm a piano major. . . So y'all must know it's not a good thing that I dislocated my shoulder, had someone who wasn't trained pop it back in (and bruise the bone) and perhaps tore my rotator cuff. I have a lot of stuff going on health-wise, but more than that I guess that God is just giving me a lot to test my reliance on Him. The words are there, the desire is there. The action. . . that's getting put into practice. And this whole right response thing, that's being put into practice too. Not an easy thing to learn.

I guess life just has a way of throwing curves. Or maybe God just has a way of testing us. Or maybe Satan just really doesn't want us to do the right thing and thinks he can set us off by throwing us things we can't handle on our own.
With God. All things are possible.

Eat a tree. :)

2010-01-21T21:30:00.000-07:00

Goodbye home. You know, I really honestly HATE goodbyes. Winnie the Pooh said "Please tell me you'll never forget me, because if I thought you would, I would never leave." That's exactly how I feel. Since 2010 has started, it's already had a lot of ups and downs. To be honest the last couple of weeks kind of sucked. No word of a lie, I was glad for them to end. And in a way, I'm pretty stoked to get back to school. To my secluded little Northland... my new home. I love it there. I'm comfortable there. I have everything there. Home... home doesn't really hold anything for me anymore. I mean, I've got my family. I've got a couple friends left... but honestly, there's really not much that I have back home anymore. Things just kind of changed while I was away, so when I came back... everything was gone. I think the hardest thing about coming home was the realization that my church... the church I belong at... was no longer "my church." I mean, it's still my church and it will always be my church. But the hardest thing was that I wasn't there. Being home was a lot different than I thought it would be, a lot different than it was when I left. I'm glad to get back to Northland. But at the same time... I don't want to go. I can't even describe the sinking feeling in my heart as I said goodbye to my beautiful baby boy, my nephew... with the knowledge that when I get back, he most likely won't remember me. It's hard leaving friends that you know need you and you need them. While there aren't many of those left back home, there are a few. Honestly, this break held a lot of learning experiences for me. I've experienced a few feelings that I NEVER want to experience ever again. That feeling where your heart has dropped through your chest and decided that the floor is the best place for yourself. An overwhelming rush of anger, sadness, concern, grief... you're worried and mad and upset and scared and everything all at once. That feeling where you feel like your world basically just fell apart. It's hard realizing that you just almost lost something forever. Yeah, it killed me.
I think God had a lot to teach me this break about my dependence on Him... about how He needs to be my best friend. It's a hard lesson to learn, but once it's learned, it's a beautiful thing. I realized that God had to be my everything, because nothing lasts forever. He had to become my best friend, and the only thing I needed, because when there was nothing left... He was still there. I have to depend on Him for everything. My goal for this year is to become closer to Him and let Him become my all.
I don't really think I have much left to say... so I guess I'll say sayonara for now.
I love you all.
<3

Cause you had a bad day.

2010-01-12T16:54:00.002-07:00

Okay... reality check.
I had a huge wake-up call today.

I'm not pretty.

And I not only realized it today, but confirmed it too. Don't lie to me, I know I'm not pretty.. But why does this matter so much to me? Why does it matter that I gained more weight than I wanted to? Why does it matter that my teeth aren't straight or perfectly white, and that my hair is always a mess and that my skin sucks? Why does it matter to me?

Well... enter the new Juli.
I decided that I'm gonna detox for a couple weeks, that should help with my skin and stuff. And um.. I can't really do anything about my teeth except make my face different and play up the hair... We'll see what we come up with.
I'm gonna live off lotion for a bit. haha (not eating it you dorks, I'm gonna use it! 24-7)

I don't even know where this came from... I just woke up this morning and was like oh... I'm not pretty. Well okay... let's see if anyone agrees. and what? They do! gasp.

Alright... that's all.

Broken Bridges.

2010-01-11T12:15:00.002-07:00

Well, I came to a conclusion today.
I. Am. Stupid.

What do I think I'm doing!?
And I know this is probably license for a bunch of lectures from people, but the thing is, I don't need a lecture. I got this all on my own. The fact is, I know I make really stupid decisions and end up getting myself into trouble. So, why do I do such things?

You know, all I really want is to be close to God. I want to grow... I wanna be beautiful on the inside. You know how you see someone that loves God, that walks and talks and breathes Christianity, and you see beauty in them because you know that they're deeply in love with God and very passionate about their walk with Him and helping others find Him? I wanna be like that.He's starting to become like my close friend. It's starting to get personal, but I want it to be more than that... I want it to be like He's my BEST friend... the only friend that really matters. and then, when things go wrong, it won't matter to me because Jesus sticks closer than a brother. And when I feel like the world is about to collapse, and I have nobody's "shoulder to cry on" I'll have God. I'll have a walk and a talk and a relationship with Him. You know, with all this health stuff going on, it's easy to be mad at God. It's easy to ask why and just be bitter about it... but thinking about the way that God holds me together. Like Laminin, in my last post. God holds me together. And it just came down to a life with God as the center is so much more beautiful... so much more rewarding and satisfying than a life based on circumstances.

So then, why do I continue to be stupid and to let people down?
Why do I continue to make stupid decisions that hurt me... sometimes other people... but ultimately, God?
I'm so broken over this, because I know it's wrong... yet I still continue to do it. I'm torn. The thing is, I love my miserable worldly life. I love the danger, the adventure, the thrill, the fear. I love it all. But at the same time, I hate it. I hate what I am. I hate this! I hate that I love it. What is wrong with me!?

Okay, I'm struggling. I really am. I want the right things, but I also want the wrong things. I want both. And that's not okay. I can't love God and love the world at the same time, I have to choose one. But... which one will I choose? Sigh.
I know which one I need to choose but my flesh goes against that. Am I really strong enough to let go of my flesh? Help.

Made in HIS image.

2010-01-07T18:15:00.002-07:00

Psalm 139:13-14 You formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

You know, I was reading through Psalm 33 and just really thinking about how loving and gracious the One who created me is. So loving. He's big enough to form and entire world and everything in it in 7 days.. yet He knows and cares about the smallest thing going on in my life. Going through all this health stuff, all this stuff at home, all this everything... it's easy to get mad at God. To stop trusting, to forget everything I know to be true about God and His character. And then last night, I was just going through some old artwork, and God brought something to my mind. He made me. He made me in His own image... I am made after His own likeness, and not only that, I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

What reminded me of all this?
Laminin.

Laminin is a cell adhesion protein molecule. Our body is filled with thousands of different proteins, but there's one that's special, and that's Laminin. Laminin literally holds our bodies together...without it, we wouldn't exist. So... what? well.. here's a scientific diagram of Laminin:

Here's an actual picture:

Made in His image takes on a whole new meaning... There's probably a lot about the human body that we don't know. I just thought this was REALLY cool.
Stay strong, keep your trust. He holds you together, He loves you...He loved you before the world was even made. Trust.

Not just in my dreams anymore!

2009-12-22T10:27:00.003-07:00

I'll be home for Christmas...
The words to this old song take a new meaning for me this year.
I can't even describe the feeling in my heart as the closer we got to Christmas, the more I realized that I wouldn't be home. Granted, it would have been great being at Gabby's for Christmas, but it's still not home. I remember sitting on my bed one night and it hitting me that I was not going home. Tears ran down my face as I listened to Josh Groban's "I'll be home for Christmas" over and over again. I knew that I had to be okay with whatever God had for me. But, somehow, it still clawed at me. I would miss my nephew's first Christmas. This would be the first Christmas I'd missed in all 17 years of my life. It stunk. It gnawed at me like you wouldn't believe. It's hard knowing you're not going home for Christmas.
Well, can I just say... I have the best friends in the world. I go to the best university in the world. And I have a Savior that loves me more than words could describe.

I'm home for Christmas.

Being home has been the greatest but hardest thing ever. I think I expected it to be a bit different than it ended up to be... but you know what? It's still home. My heart pounded hard as I saw my nephew for the first time since I've been gone... I saw him crawl. He CRAWLS! Talk about big boy! Man, I missed him. And seeing my brothers.. That was awesome. I have yet to see my sister in laws, but that's coming on Friday.

Praise God for His all knowing and all powerful hand in my life... I'm so glad He brought me home! <3

If only in my dreams...

2009-11-22T13:35:00.003-07:00

Winter. Hot Cocoa. Christmas Music. Decorations. Candy Canes. Fires.
Wow. I am incredulously homesick. Christmas is in just over a month, and I won't be home. Granted, I'll be with people that I absolutely adore... they're just like family... but it's still not home.
No christmas eve at Sam's house. No waking up early to the smell of mom cooking brunch. No christmas candy. No crazy siblings. No skating. Nothing.
I'm not home.

Ouch. I'm not going home for Christmas. I will not be there with my siblings and in laws and nephews and parents... I won't be there to go to Sam's and play games and drink hot cocoa on Christmas Eve. I won't be there to read the christmas story with the family. I won't be there to watch a christmas movie like we do every year. I won't be there to go to aunty's and eat her curry and turkey and everything else she has. I won't be there. I will not be home for christmas.

My theme song this year really has been and really is going to stay "I'll be home for Christmas."

So Mom, Dad, Jer, Josh, Jon, Bev, Kayla, Christie, Konnor, Xander...
I miss you guys.

And whether I'm there or not... my heart is there. <3

Majors, holidays, and seminars. OH MY!

2009-11-20T20:01:00.005-07:00

Wow, so much has happened this week. Changes, changes, and more changes! I think the biggest change that happened this week was the fact that I decided to change my major. This is a big decision, I mean WHOA. But I know that it's what God wanted me to do. Actually, Dr.Suiter advised me before I got here that I should go with Piano instead of voice cause that's where my strength is; but because someone told me that they didn't think I could handle a voice major, I decided to prove them wrong. That's a really great reason to choose a major. (Just kidding!) Since I've been here, everyone and their mother and second cousin's great uncle has told me that I should be in piano, but I was being stubborn. I had a meeting with my adviser on Wednesday though, and both her and Dr.Suiter advised me again to change my major. It wasn't until after one of the senior recitals, when one of the piano teachers randomly asked me if I've ever considered changing to a piano major,that I began to think that it was God's will for me to change. So, last night, after talking to my parents.. I decided to switch to a piano major with a voice minor... Yay! I'm actually so excited. And I can't even begin to explain the peace in my heart now that I've surrendered to what I know that God wants me to do. It's amazing how the minute you surrender to God's will, you automatically feel at peace. I love it.

I've really been struggling with being homesick. It's really hard being 16, living 1500 miles away from home, with no chance of going home until the spring... not even for Christmas. Oh how I miss everyone and everything. I just want one night at home. Lately, I find my mind filled with "What if's." What if this, what if that...if only I could go home. Man... It just reveals how much I don't trust God.
Ah... something to think about

p.s. KEN HAM WAS AMAZINGG!

Take me, Jesus.

2009-11-11T14:39:00.002-07:00

Okay, Step back.
Take a look at the last 3 months of your life, and just re-evaluate.
Time to start over.

The only thing running through my mind today as I knelt at my bedside after a long, hard talk with a teacher was the words to the song that go:

"Holy Father, love me still
I have fallen from Your will
I am broken
Hear my humble cry
I have wandered for so long
Tired and weary on my own
In Your arms I know I'm home, O God
My God
Take my life and make it Yours, Lord
Fill me with Your love
You are all I need
I surrender all of me."

I mean sure, at first God could have everything... but me, in my selfish pride... I decided to take everything back, little by little. Well, I'm done. I'm done trying to take it back... I'm done running. Today I just gave my life back to Christ... I took a step back and realized that there are just points where you need to start up your engine and get back on that uphill road. Well I'm at that point. I re-dedicated my life to Jesus today, and I'm excited for Him to become more to me than He's ever been before.

All my hopes and dreams and plans I place within your hands, Lord. I give my life to You.

Noo.

2009-11-06T11:31:00.003-07:00

My heart is so heavy.
I don't know what to do.
I feel like my heart could fall into my stomach.
This is not okay.

All I can say is that His grace is sufficient.
I'll be okay.
No matter what.

.D.e.t.e.r.m.i.n.a.t.i.o.n.

2009-11-04T14:53:00.005-07:00

Determination.

Plain and simple... determination. What is determination anyway? As defined by our friend, Dictionary.com, determination is a fixed resolution. Basically, it's when we say "I'm going to do this, and this is what's going to happen." You choose not only your actions, but the outcome as well. So, what happens when the outcome isn't what you wanted it to be? What happens when you determine not to get demerits; when you determine to pass every quiz and test; when you determine that your day is going to be happy... and things just don't turn out that way?

I guess I don't really have to tell y'all that my day did not go as planned... Though, when you're sick, does any day really go as planned? But then, was I ever really healthy? What *is* considered healthy anyways? But as if it's not enough to be sick, I have to start my day with demerits that weren't even my fault. I bombed a quiz and quite frankly just gave up. Needless to say, I'm not a happy camper. It seems that as soon as I determine something, I fail. Failure.

So, in conclusion... Don't determine.
Determination just sets you up for failure.

Am I ever glad that God's mercies are new every day... Not quite sure exactly how to escape this rut.

You Are The Love Of My Life

2009-11-01T20:25:00.004-07:00

So, this week has been really tough in the sense that I've had a lot of really rude awakenings. I've learned a lot about myself and more importantly, about God. A big one this week is about what "love" really is. 1 Corinthians 13 tells all about love - Love is patient and kind, it doesn't envy or boast. It's not proud or rude; it doesn't insist on it's own way. It's not irritable or resentful, doesn't rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in truth. It bears all things, believes all things, endures all things, and it doesn't end. That was like a slap upside my head. 1 Corinthians 13:3 - "If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing." It's all noise! It's like a "clanging cymbal" as talked about in the first verse. This was a huge lesson this week... it just opened my eyes to how much I don't love people... certain people especially. I am made in the image of God (and what a privilege!) and God is love. That should be obvious to me, but for some reason, it's never occurred to me exactly what that meant.

You know, creeping up on Thanksgiving... I've really been given a lot to be thankful for. I mean, sure, I'm homesick. I'm 1500 miles away from home in a strange new place with strange new people and it's completely out of my comfort zone. But. God has placed me in a strange place with people who love me and care about how I'm doing. It was completely strange to walk into the dining hall for breakfast and have someone who works there (that I don't really even know!) ask me what God's been showing me lately. It's weird for someone to care that much about my heart... it's like nothing I've ever really experienced before. I love how people just...care. It once again made me re-evaluate... do I care about others like that? But getting back to being thankful... I have a family who loves me and sends me care packages and e-mails... I have an amazing voice teacher who upon hearing I was sticking around for thanksgiving, invited me to her apartment for the day. I am privileged to be able to be here and learn about God and learn how to serve Him and grow in Him.

It occurred to me today that God really is my Strength. He really is! And I'm no longer saying that because I know it, but because I have experienced it! I've realized that on days, when I'm sick and exhausted and have no energy and no possibility of getting through the day on my own, that I don't have to get through it on my own! I really don't, because God is my Strength. He's all I need, He's Lord of everything. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 - 'But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamites. For when I am weak, then I am strong.' I have nothing to worry about because God is my strength. He is my strong tower and I will trust in Him.

Ah! So much I've learned and so much to learn. I can't wait.
I can honestly say that I am excited... because He is going to become the Love of my life... I can't. Wait.

Why would you leave the stage in the middle of your beautiful song?

2009-10-31T19:44:00.004-06:00

Well, well, well... Miss "I will never have a blog."
What's this then?

Well, I guess it's the easiest way to keep everyone updated on my life...provided I actually remember to keep it updated!

Now what's new? Well... I quit my job, packed my bags, and moved 1500 miles away to be a freshman at a place that I'd never been. Scary!!! I'm currently a freshman majoring in Vocal Pedagogy at Northland International University. God has taught me so much since I've gotten here. I've learned lessons about complaining, lessons about love, lessons about life in general.

It's really weird to think that I've been here for 2 months already! I miss home and my family and friends so much... but I know that God has me here for a reason. There's no way that I'd be here if it wasn't.

That's about all I can think of to update you on right now... I love you guys and miss y'all sooooo much. Sayonara! <3