So show me what I'm looking for...

See me, I'm lost...

Everyone has moments in their life where they have had enough. Where their mind is going 3000 miles an hour, and all they can think about is the one thing that's bothering them.

I'm having a moment.
I'm having one of those god-awful moments where I can't decide whether to follow my heart or my head.
It's these moments that I'd give anything for answers, anything for the truth to just come out and the lies to be over.
I FUCKING HATE THIS.


... somebody fucking save me from myself, save me from everything.
“If pain must come, may it come quickly. Because I have a life to live, and I need to live it in the best way possible. If he has to make a choice, may he make it now. Then I will either wait for him or forget him.” - Paulo Coelho

Would it help if I turned a sad song on?

New page... clean slate, right? Sometimes wanting to start fresh starts with the little things. That is why I've deleted every old post, given my page a makeover, and began again. And, also, because I need a change. Or do I? I've been spending all this time going through motions, falling into a rut. I'm waiting for something exciting and big to happen, but even as I'm typing this, I've realized something big already has. Lots of big things have already happened - so maybe what I'm searching for, isn't something exciting and big... maybe I'm searching for normal. Quiet. Boring. Cause I never seem to get that. And right now, it's tearing me apart. I have so many emotions running through my head right now...and I'm just so tired. I'm so tired of feeling insignificant. I'm so tired of pushing people away. And I'm so tired of bullshit and drama, it never. fucking. stops. I feel like a wilted rose, dying on the sidewalk. Because it just couldn't hold its own weight anymore. I can't hold my own weight anymore. I'm in hell, a place I willingly chose to be in. Why? Because I'm a sucker for punishment. And now I'm sitting here, looking like a fool with tears running down my face. So, I ask you. What's worth it? What is worth losing yourself over? I got that dreaded phone call at 4pm today... they closed my file. I got that dreaded text 2 days ago... they want nothing to do with me. I heard those dreaded words 4 and a half hours ago... and now I'm sitting here pushing everyone and everything away. I never wanted to be a mistake, but it seems like I am. It seems like I made a mistake out of myself. I am so alone. So, what do I do? Well, this wilted rose... she's allowing herself one night to be a mess. One night to cry. One night to feel like rock bottom. Tomorrow? It starts again. Tomorrow I pick my ass up off the ground. I shower, I fix that makeup and make myself look presentable and here we go... carpe diem. That's right, I'm seizing the day. Or, I'm going to try anyway. Because there is no room in my life for a pity party. Everyone is allowed a night to cry every now and then, crying isn't wrong. Crying doesn't make you weak. But letting yourself stay on the ground after you've been knocked down... that's weak. So here goes nothing... I get back up, and I keep moving. That's what strong people do.