Monday, August 4, 2014
I am lost. I am sincerely lost. I am sitting here wondering what even makes me happy anymore? Who am I? Ask me a couple months ago and maybe I could have told you, but now I just have no idea. I don't even know who I am anymore.
All I know is that she makes me happy. Happier than I've ever been.
But aside from that... where did I lose myself? Where in my journey did I forget who I was? Where in my journey did I lose sight of everything I love? When did I stop singing? When did I stop painting? When did I stop running and writing and riding and walking and everything that I loved so much for so long?
Where am I? Where have I gone?
I spend hours every day thinking about the answer to those questions and I really have no idea, I'm lost for words. I can tell you what makes me unhappy, but even some of those things I have grown accustomed to... they don't even bother me like they used to.
So... where do I go from here?
I get like this every August. Every year when all I can think about is my baby... the baby I should have had. I am so resentful.
I get my rag and all I can think of is everything I lost. And I know it's effecting my relationship. I know that there are mood swings... one moment I'm too fucking needy and the next I just don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to hide.
... Where is the bubbly Julianna I used to be?
:(
sigh.
All I know is that she makes me happy. Happier than I've ever been.
But aside from that... where did I lose myself? Where in my journey did I forget who I was? Where in my journey did I lose sight of everything I love? When did I stop singing? When did I stop painting? When did I stop running and writing and riding and walking and everything that I loved so much for so long?
Where am I? Where have I gone?
I spend hours every day thinking about the answer to those questions and I really have no idea, I'm lost for words. I can tell you what makes me unhappy, but even some of those things I have grown accustomed to... they don't even bother me like they used to.
So... where do I go from here?
I get like this every August. Every year when all I can think about is my baby... the baby I should have had. I am so resentful.
I get my rag and all I can think of is everything I lost. And I know it's effecting my relationship. I know that there are mood swings... one moment I'm too fucking needy and the next I just don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to hide.
... Where is the bubbly Julianna I used to be?
:(
sigh.
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
Hey Fellow Bloggers, I'm back. My last two posts were in November and December and I deleted everything before that. Why, you ask? Clean slate... It's a new year and a new me.
July 23, 2014. What's new with me? Absolutely nothing. HA! As if. I went from finishing my Personal Training Certification and diploma, to working in a gym, to being the assistant to the managing partner in a well-respected law firm, to being a server in a restaurant and perhaps working for a dance school... man, she jumps around a lot, no? :P Story of my life.
On the bright side, this year has been great for one simple reason... I found the one. The perfect, most amazing wonderful person. She is my one and only, folks. I have never met someone so sweet, so caring, so gentle and yet strong, so incredible. She is talented, she is loving... she is everything I could have hoped for. It's strange for me to even believe it as I sit here and re-read what I've been writing. I have no idea how I landed her. She is the embodiment of perfection. My everything.
I could sit here and write about her all day, gush and gush and gush, but I feel like you would all get bored with me. My point is... I am in love, friends! I have said that before, yes. But never, have I ever felt this way. Never have I ever been so head over heels so in love with someone. Let's just hope I don't fuck it up, ya? LOL
For the longest time I thought that I had it all figured out, and that if anything would change I would be devastated. Well, yes. A lot of things hurt. My heart still hurts at times. But, honestly, I have NEVER been happier. My life has definitely changed drastically, but not in a bad way. I said goodbye to a lot of old things, and hello to a brand new life and I am loving every minute of it.
Just goes to show... change CAN be a good thing. Embrace it... you never know when it's the best thing that could have happened to you.
Keep your chin up, friends! You never know when greatness is around the corner. Until we meet again...
Toodaloooo!!
July 23, 2014. What's new with me? Absolutely nothing. HA! As if. I went from finishing my Personal Training Certification and diploma, to working in a gym, to being the assistant to the managing partner in a well-respected law firm, to being a server in a restaurant and perhaps working for a dance school... man, she jumps around a lot, no? :P Story of my life.
On the bright side, this year has been great for one simple reason... I found the one. The perfect, most amazing wonderful person. She is my one and only, folks. I have never met someone so sweet, so caring, so gentle and yet strong, so incredible. She is talented, she is loving... she is everything I could have hoped for. It's strange for me to even believe it as I sit here and re-read what I've been writing. I have no idea how I landed her. She is the embodiment of perfection. My everything.
I could sit here and write about her all day, gush and gush and gush, but I feel like you would all get bored with me. My point is... I am in love, friends! I have said that before, yes. But never, have I ever felt this way. Never have I ever been so head over heels so in love with someone. Let's just hope I don't fuck it up, ya? LOL
For the longest time I thought that I had it all figured out, and that if anything would change I would be devastated. Well, yes. A lot of things hurt. My heart still hurts at times. But, honestly, I have NEVER been happier. My life has definitely changed drastically, but not in a bad way. I said goodbye to a lot of old things, and hello to a brand new life and I am loving every minute of it.
Just goes to show... change CAN be a good thing. Embrace it... you never know when it's the best thing that could have happened to you.
Keep your chin up, friends! You never know when greatness is around the corner. Until we meet again...
Toodaloooo!!
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
See me, I'm lost...
Everyone has moments in their life where they have had enough. Where their mind is going 3000 miles an hour, and all they can think about is the one thing that's bothering them.
I'm having a moment.
I'm having one of those god-awful moments where I can't decide whether to follow my heart or my head.
It's these moments that I'd give anything for answers, anything for the truth to just come out and the lies to be over.
I FUCKING HATE THIS.
... somebody fucking save me from myself, save me from everything.
“If pain must come, may it come quickly. Because I have a life to live, and I need to live it in the best way possible. If he has to make a choice, may he make it now. Then I will either wait for him or forget him.” - Paulo Coelho
Everyone has moments in their life where they have had enough. Where their mind is going 3000 miles an hour, and all they can think about is the one thing that's bothering them.
I'm having a moment.
I'm having one of those god-awful moments where I can't decide whether to follow my heart or my head.
It's these moments that I'd give anything for answers, anything for the truth to just come out and the lies to be over.
I FUCKING HATE THIS.
... somebody fucking save me from myself, save me from everything.
“If pain must come, may it come quickly. Because I have a life to live, and I need to live it in the best way possible. If he has to make a choice, may he make it now. Then I will either wait for him or forget him.” - Paulo Coelho
Thursday, November 28, 2013
New page... clean slate, right? Sometimes wanting to start fresh starts with the little things. That is why I've deleted every old post, given my page a makeover, and began again. And, also, because I need a change. Or do I? I've been spending all this time going through motions, falling into a rut. I'm waiting for something exciting and big to happen, but even as I'm typing this, I've realized something big already has. Lots of big things have already happened - so maybe what I'm searching for, isn't something exciting and big... maybe I'm searching for normal. Quiet. Boring. Cause I never seem to get that. And right now, it's tearing me apart. I have so many emotions running through my head right now...and I'm just so tired. I'm so tired of feeling insignificant. I'm so tired of pushing people away. And I'm so tired of bullshit and drama, it never. fucking. stops.
I feel like a wilted rose, dying on the sidewalk. Because it just couldn't hold its own weight anymore. I can't hold my own weight anymore. I'm in hell, a place I willingly chose to be in. Why? Because I'm a sucker for punishment. And now I'm sitting here, looking like a fool with tears running down my face. So, I ask you. What's worth it? What is worth losing yourself over? I got that dreaded phone call at 4pm today... they closed my file. I got that dreaded text 2 days ago... they want nothing to do with me. I heard those dreaded words 4 and a half hours ago... and now I'm sitting here pushing everyone and everything away. I never wanted to be a mistake, but it seems like I am. It seems like I made a mistake out of myself. I am so alone. So, what do I do? Well, this wilted rose... she's allowing herself one night to be a mess. One night to cry. One night to feel like rock bottom. Tomorrow? It starts again. Tomorrow I pick my ass up off the ground. I shower, I fix that makeup and make myself look presentable and here we go... carpe diem. That's right, I'm seizing the day. Or, I'm going to try anyway. Because there is no room in my life for a pity party. Everyone is allowed a night to cry every now and then, crying isn't wrong. Crying doesn't make you weak. But letting yourself stay on the ground after you've been knocked down... that's weak. So here goes nothing... I get back up, and I keep moving. That's what strong people do.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)