Tell me how you like it...

I am lost. I am sincerely lost. I am sitting here wondering what even makes me happy anymore? Who am I? Ask me a couple months ago and maybe I could have told you, but now I just have no idea. I don't even know who I am anymore.

All I know is that she makes me happy. Happier than I've ever been.

But aside from that... where did I lose myself? Where in my journey did I forget who I was? Where in my journey did I lose sight of everything I love? When did I stop singing? When did I stop painting? When did I stop running and writing and riding and walking and everything that I loved so much for so long?

Where am I? Where have I gone?

I spend hours every day thinking about the answer to those questions and I really have no idea, I'm lost for words. I can tell you what makes me unhappy, but even some of those things I have grown accustomed to... they don't even bother me like they used to.
So... where do I go from here?

I get like this every August. Every year when all I can think about is my baby... the baby I should have had. I am so resentful.
I get my rag and all I can think of is everything I lost. And I know it's effecting my relationship. I know that there are mood swings... one moment I'm too fucking needy and the next I just don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to hide.

... Where is the bubbly Julianna I used to be?

:(

sigh.